Hey. It's me. Yep, the crazy momma that keeps you laughing at all of my "issues". I have so many. You know them all. No need to go there.
Well, I just have to say that you are pretty dog-gone sneaky. Yes. You are.
I have been preparing my heart for this past weekend's women's conference for the past year. I have been anxiously anticipating the great and mighty "word" that you were going to be giving to me. Everything about my path was going to suddenly become crystal clear and I was going to be 100% sure of my purpose.
Ha! You had other plans. Of course.
I sit here at my little black desk, gulping my 5th cup of coffee for the morning (thank you for coffee, by the way )and still taking it all in. I almost feel foolish. Foolish for thinking that I had YOU figured out. I thought for sure that my "answers" to life were going to be written in ink on my heart by the end of Saturday's session.
Before I go any further, I just have to say...I love You. I love You so much. Thank you for having unlimited patience with me. Thank you for not taking a big fat eraser and forgetting about me altogether. I know I must look so messy on that big white dry eraser board up there. I am a big MESS.
However... You still love me, You still call for me. Wow.
The last speaker, the last session, the last day...You gave me my "word". It was spoken through the speaker that I least expected...Luci Swindoll. She is pretty cool..but she's 78. Not exactly in the same season as me and certainly not the one that I was feeling the most connected to by any means. But, boy oh boy...was I wrong.
You told me through her testimony to stop "striving". You told me to rest in You. I have been searching and searching for you like a mad person on a misguided mission. I was trying too hard. I was trying to take the pen out of your hand and write my own story...instead of resting in You and trusting You to write my story.
You told me to enjoy where I am at. Enjoy the abundance of what You have so generously given me. My family, my children, my life. Enjoy, it Jill. That's what You told me.
We sang a song right before that message that completely prepared my heart for your word to me. I don't know the title..but it has the line.."You are enough for me."
Simple as that. You are enough for me.
Lord, If I never get that baby or that child that my heart so longs for...it's okay. You are enough for me. If my life doesn't measure up to my own unreasonable standards. It's okay. You are enough for me.
You freed me...to say the very least. I have been striving and yearning so hard that I couldn't see You. I was just seeing a "story" that I so desperately wanted to call my own.
You taught me this weekend that YOU are the story. You are the only story that matters. If I never do anything that I think is worthy or great in my life...it doesn't matter. Just loving you and serving you is enough.
As I drove home in the peace of my car yesterday you gave me a vision. I saw my children and the day they were born. I felt the overwhelming love in my heart that I had when I laid my eyes upon their precious faces. They did nothing to make me love them. Just the very sight of them and their very existence was enough for me. They are mine. All mine. That is enough for me.
Regardless of what my children do or don't do...my love for them will never change. Just existing and being in the presence of my children gives me such joy and happiness.
That is exactly how you feel about me. Isn't it?
Just being in your presence and loving you. I get it. I totally get it.
Before I end my little note...I have to throw in something about Lem. You heard my prayers this weekend regarding speaking to his heart and giving him a word. I always feel like when I go to a women's conference that I come back and he and I are disconnected.
I didn't want that this time. I specifically asked you to speak to him in some way this weekend. I asked you to minister to him like you would be ministering to my heart.
Once again, your sense of humor is quite apparent.
He had taken the kids to church that morning and the sermon was titled.."GO!" Go live radically, go do something out of the norm, Go live your life out loud! Be on fire for Him...never stop!
I started giggling when he was so animatedly telling me about this wonderful message.
After telling me, I told him what the Lord had spoken to my heart...
To stop. To stay quiet. To be still. To rest for a while.
We both started laughing.
We got our messages, loud and clear.
Thank you, Father.
So, I am shedding my dressy clothes, taking off my heels, putting on my comfy sweats and one of Lem's soft white Fruit of the loom shirts.
Striving no more.
I am resting...in Him.
enjoying this hammock for a while,