Approval Addiction....

So, sometimes the Lord just hits you right upside the head about something. He does. 

Yesterday was one of those days for me. 

I have struggled in the past (very recent past) with approval from others. I like approval. Pure and simple.

It is not a good thing though. Here's why: I get way too wrapped up in what others may think about me, instead of what the Lord thinks about me. *not good*

Sometimes I wonder, no not sometimes, but a lot of the time: How do other women do ALL that they do and still manage to do it all so well? (or appear to anyway)

I have trouble juggling more than 2 things at once. For real, I do.

So, when I read blogs, websites, magazines etc, etc....I get a little insecure. Like, man, I suck.

I know that I should not compare myself with others, but it is hard sometimes. I am really working on this. Really working.

So, back to yesterday.

Something happened and it bothered me. Really badly.

I was distracted, I was upset, I was pity-party all over the place.

I called a friend and told her.

She told me that I needed to put away the world and just be in "my world" for a while. In other words, I was searching so hard for the approval from someone else, that it was throwing me off track with the only track I needed to be on in that moment.

She was totally right.

I have been convicted of this before, and it was a big eye opener. Some days, however, it sneaks up on me again. 

The approval thing.

Here is what I am learning: it doesn't matter what people think of me. It doesn't.

 If  Lem, Joseph, and Presley are all being taken care of, loved on, played with, etc...then I am doing a good, good thing.

If I never take another picture for my kids scrap books, post another blog post, have a spotless house, look like Jennifer Aniston, have a glamorous job, or get the approval of the outside world....I'm good with that.

I can say that with complete confidence today. In fact, I will say it again, just to get the point across...

"I am good with that." 

I wonder sometimes if all of these women that I look up to (some I do not even personally know)--what  their home life is like?

 Are their kids feeling important and loved? Are their husbands being put first? Are they really snappy with their kids because they are trying to finish the perfect pinterest craft or recipe? Are they so engrossed in their blogging  or online world that they miss what is going on at that very moment around them? Or maybe their jobs are so important that they cannot be bothered with the needs of their children at that moment? (as they throw them off to the nearest relative or babysitter) 

If we are too busy to be the best momma and wife  that we can be...then we are too busy. Period.

I can say all of this, because I have been that girl.

I have. 

It is not a good place to be. 

 

I have had to set times when I get on here to blog. It is such a pleasure for me to sit down and write, but I make sure that I am not secluding myself from my family in order to catalog our memories. That would be kind of ironic, I think.

As I am learning to embrace true "living in the moment", it has freed me from the slippery slope of being caught up in a make-believe life. A life that consists of things that hold no eternal value. If I am trying to inspire others at the cost of neglecting my family---is that a good thing? I think not.

Would Presley and Joseph rather me write a cute story about them to (maybe) read one day? Or would they rather me log off, go outside and play a game of tag with them.

I think I know the answer to that. 

So, I lovingly encourage all of my mommy friends--let's tune out for a while and tune in to our little world inside of our home. The seeds that we are planting here, are much more eternal.

Let's ask the Lord to show us where we are out of balance. Is it in our jobs? Our friendships? Our church work? Our volunteering? Our social websites? Our constant pursuit of a perfectly polished home?

Our families deserve better. 

We deserve better.

Let's seek the Lord and His approval above all else. Deal?

embracing my imperfections--all one million of them,

jill

Better days....

Since my handwriting has gotten so sloppy these days, I will type this. I would normally put this in Joseph's book, however this is becoming my children's book. :)

So, last night, I climbed into bed with my Joseph. Presley was snuggled up next to him. She had fallen asleep in his room. *sigh*

We began talking (Joseph and Me) and just started giggling about some stuff that we think is funny. (Gorilla Munch--that's all I'm sayin'. Joseph will know what this means) :-)

He then tells me that he is a little nervous about middle school. (my stomach sinks)

I try to put on my brave momma face, but I fail. My eyes well up with tears as I try to tell him that he will LOVE being in middle school. ( i force a smile while telling him this.)

He sees right through the momma-trying-to-be-brave facade.

His eyes well up with tears, and before we know it we are one big puddle of tears on his bed.

If that isn't sad enough...he says this: "Mommy, I will only have 6 more years of school before i will leave this house and go to college.

I quickly start doing the math. (okay, i must pause and cry some more.)

He says he doesn't ever want to leave this house. I asked him why and this is what he did:

He pointed at me, Daddy (who was in the den) and Presley who was lying next to him. He couldn't even get the words out of his mouth, so he had to point. We were the reasons that he didn't ever want to leave.

Oh, I lost it. (but, you know that already.)

He told me that these were the best years of his life.

I wanted so badly to tell him that he could live with us forever and ever. But, I didn't.

Somewhere from deep, like way deep down inside, these words came out of my mouth:

"Joseph, I know it seems like these are the best years of your life, but they aren't. I am 37 years old, and THESE are the BEST years of MY LIFE. As much as you love us Joseph, you will love your wife and your children with a different kind of love. Those will be the best years of your life. And that it is a very long time away. So, enjoy this time, Joseph. But know, that even better times are coming."

Okay, full on crying at this point.

I am telling you, it was not ME that said those words. It was the Holy Spirit speaking through me.

I am a selfish momma. I only want my kids to love ME the MOST. I want them to be with me the MOST.

However, I know that I MUST want what is best for them.

Which is being able to let go one day and move on to where God wants them to be.

He wants the same for me and you.

We just have to trust Him, and enjoy every season we are in.

I told Joseph that life only gets better.

I believe that.

I really do.

wiping my tears and cherishing each second,

jill

Momma & Me....

I love you, Momma!

You are the very reason that I wanted to be a Mother in the first place! Little did I know how rewarding every day would be!

Thank you for teaching me.

I am forever grateful to you.

You shine brighter than the sun. You do. It's true.

All my heart,

Jilly

Choosing JOY (even when it's HARD)....

So, when my kids were little I was a crazy woman about scrap booking, journaling, and all the like.

As they have gotten older, I have had to put it aside and just relax in the moment with them, and do my best to jot things down when I can.

I started this blog 5 years ago, to make it easier for me to do this. So, over the years I have posted some belly laugh stories about my two little darlings. They never cease to make me smile and laugh the MOST.

Today, I decided to interview Presley. My friend Erin has been doing this the last few days...and I think it is a fabulous (and easy!) way to sear these memories.

 We had a really, really rough morning. Tears, kicking, screaming, throwing, more tears. (and I was the one doing most of the stuff just listed!) Shame on me. 


The funny thing is, I was JUST trying to encourage my friend (who has a newborn) at bible study last night that "things would get easier, blah blah blah..." and here I was pitching a crazy momma fit in my kitchen!

Wow. The irony.

So, today we walked in late to school. I checked her in and walked her to her class. It was my mentoring day (some mentor i am after this morning!!), so I went to go and get my sweet little second grade mentee.

She was getting ready to go on a field trip. Shoot.

I walked back down the hall past Presley's room. I stopped, motioned for her to come to me, hugged her, and told the teacher I was taking my girl to breakfast.

I am pretty sure she was thinking, "Umm, you just got here."

Oh well. That's how we are rolling today. :)

We had breakfast at Chic-fil-a and soaked up our time together.

i really wanted to show her (and myself):
that you can turn a BAD day into a GREAT day!
CHOOSE JOY!
every single day.

After breakfast, we started to head back to school.

I quickly turned my car around and changed my mind. We were having a "home" day.

She is in first grade. It really doesn't matter, right?

It's one day. One day of she and me. Me and she.

she is catching up with me!

Here is my little Presley in her own little words.

Unedited Presley Jane:

• How old are you? 7 years old, and I will be 8 in December.
• How much do you think you weigh? about 50 lbs.
• What is your favorite time of day? Afternoon!! Because I come home from school and get to eat my snack!
• Who is your favorite teacher ever? Mrs. Chamberlain and Mrs. Nation
• If you could wear any outfit to school what would it be? (I told her to go and put it on...here it is)

• What is your favorite thing to do with Mommy? crafts!
• What is your favorite thing to do with Daddy? lay down on the couch together.
• What does Mommy like to do? Run and text.
• What does Daddy like to do? look at magazines while on the potty.
• How much does mommy weigh? 150
• How much does daddy weigh? 150
• What is your favorite thing that mommy cooks? chicken fried rice
• What is your favorite thing that daddy cooks? hot dogs!
• What is your favorite dessert? orange sherbert
• What makes people married? kissing, what's the word--not a funeral--oh, a wedding!, babies sometimes, sleeping together in the bed, getting a house together.
• How long should marriage last? 30 years.
• What happens after that? you die.
• Tell me how you want your husband to be? to love God and Jesus more than he loves me, handsome, reading the bible, christian, for him to have a nice family, blue eyes, blonde hair, and to look like my daddy.
• What do you think that mommy does all day? clean
• What do you think that daddy does all day? work!
• Do you think mommy and daddy love each other and why? yes. y'all are a good couple. y'all look alike. y'all both read the bible.
• How many kids do you want? 2 a boy and a girl
• What do you want their names to be? Joseph and Presley
• What do you want to be when you grow up? a dancer and an actor
• If you could have any other name besides Presley, what would it be? JULIE! 
• What is your favorite holiday? umm, Christmas and my birthday!

This concludes our interview. Back to making memories.

forever my girl,

jill

Celebrating the boy who loves music.....

I have something to say.

I am still so moved by this, that I just have to write about it.

Last night we were at the 5th grade awards ceremony at Joseph's school. We sat behind a little family of 3.

About half way through the ceremony, the 5th grade boy in front of us (with his little family) bumps his head somehow.

He repeatedly says, "I bumped my head. I bumped my head".

Over and over.

I soon realized that this little boy must be autistic or something very similar. His parents were trying to distract him so that he could sit a little quieter.

His voice was getting louder by the minute.

Suddenly the speaker calls his name for an award.

 He happily rises out of his seat with a big smile on his face. He walks forward to get his Music award.

He stands at the front of the room beaming and admiring his beautiful certificate with his name elegantly penned on the paper.

I watch his parents.

They are glowing with excitement. The sweet Momma is snapping pictures and videoing at the same time.

My throat had a lump the size of North Dakota and my eyes were filling with wet tears.

I suddenly felt guilty for having healthy children. I felt incredible pain for this family. The struggles that they must go through. Beginning with the first diagnosis of this child. This little boy. Their little boy.

Then I heard the Lord whisper to me: "Just because you do not see a healthy child, does not mean he is not healthy. He is healthier than most people in this very room. His heart is pure. It is not tarnished by the world. My World is different than yours. You will see that one day. Don't feel sorry for him. Be happy for him. Celebrate him."


He is right.

So, today I celebrate this little boy and his awesome family.

He is healthy. Beyond words.

The boy who loves music. How awesome.


a new perspective,

jill

Victory Y'all.....

There has been a lot of talk about Victory around this house.

Victory over fear, Victory over anxiety, Victory over anything that is not Truth from the Lord.

Well, last week, Presley decided that she was going to claim Victory over bed wetting. Why not? Surely God did not want her to continue wetting the bed.

So, we prayed each night over her little bladder. We also went to LifeWay and bought a children's CD with the little kids singing scriptures from the Bible.

From the prompting of my friend, Lisa, we started playing the CD in her room each night. Not only at night, actually, but while we were away from the house.

God's word is powerful! It lives, it breathes, and it heals. So, we wanted His word playing all day in our house! (this is something we will continue to do...FOREVER!)

You see, what we had going on here was a spiritual battle. Fear was making her scared at night and in turn was causing her physical body to respond negatively.

Anyone relate? Oh, boy..I can! (not to the bed wetting part..but the rest!)

So, we have had a lot of Victory each morning when we go to wake her up. NO MORE WET SHEETS!

Isn't God just good like that?

Today, I was going through some papers from her school folder. I came across this and could not believe what I saw.

This girl gets it, y'all. She knows where true Victory comes from. She does.

She is always teaching me. Always.

Left side says: Victory--scared, bed wetting, shy
Right side says: Scared--say God or Jesus, Love, Peace, Believe.

She gets it. I love her.

Some friends....

Feeling extra thankful and blessed today.

Here's why:

I had the BEST conversation with my Mama yesterday...the BEST. I love that lady. NOBODY but Jesus Himself loves me like she does. I'm convinced.

And....I have the BEST friends. They come in different shapes, sizes and packages, and ALL perfectly beautiful.

Some have known me since childhood.
Some have known me since high school.
Some have known me since college.
Some have known me since being married to my Lem.
Some have known me since having my kids.
Some know me because we live in the same 'hood.
Some know me because we attend the same church.

I learn from them every single day.

Some teach me.
Some mentor me.
Some cheer for me.
Some cry with me.
Some ugly cry with me.
Some laugh with me.
Some belly laugh with me.
Some push me.
Some show up.
Some text me.
Some call me.
Some email me.
Some facebook me.
Some show up at my door.
Some send me cards in the mail.
Some bring lunch to my house.
Some meet me for lunch.
Some have picnics with me for lunch.
Some have play dates with me.
Some go on vacation with me.
Some meet me for coffee after carpool.

They ALL are a part of my life. Every last one of them. 

I am blessed beyond measure with a group of friends who somehow can see past my (enormous) flaws and love me anyway.

Some run with me. 

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."

- Anais Nin

Goodbye Saul.....

So, I had a Saul in my life.  Do you know what and who a "Saul" is?

It's someone that really rubs you the wrong way. Someone that you NEVER seem to say or do the right thing around. Someone that is just very, very, very hard to love.

I have healing now in this relationship. Completely. Like, unbelievably.

Here is what I have learned: MY heart was the one that needed to change. All along I thought that if this person would change, everything would be good.

Oh no, folks. MY heart was the one in need of a heart transplant.

It's true.

God is miracles.
God is victory.
God is love.

Totally, head over heels in love with the Lord.

He is slowly smoothing out these callouses, friends.

Just wanted you to know.

goodbye Saul,

jill

Wordless Wednesday....

Things I'm learning....

I have a long, long way to go.

God teaches me something new every.single.day.

Sometimes it's hard learning a new lesson.

But, I am better for it.

God is teaching me how to love.

Like really love.

If I thought I knew what love was before, I was wrong.

He wants me to see others as HE sees them.

I hope others see me like HE sees me.

I refuse to live in guilt.

I bring on the bulk of my guilt.

Mostly involving parenting.

It drives me crazy when I do this.

I know it's not good for me.

I am daily trying to give it all to Him.

He wants freedom in this area for me.

I want it too.

My Mom loves me.

She looks at me like I look at Presley.

Your Mom feels the same about you.

Remember, you will be in her shoes one day.

Life goes by too fast.

I am emotional.

My kids carry my heart on a little string around their little sticky fingers.

Lem has the rest of it in his calm, cool, and collected handsome hands.

God has it all.

Wrapped up in His arms.

I rest in this.