Monday, January 12, 2009

Impossible Me.....

This post was written on Monday, (today is Wednesday) and I decided not to post it publicly. ...until now. I re-read it after I finished writing it, and thought's a little too much vulnerability going on here. Yikes..a bit scary. Well, then today, or actually tonight at the church that we have been visiting, the preacher touched a nerve in my soul. Something to do with stepping outside of yourself and living by faith. How many times have I chickened out of doing something that I am sure the Holy Spirit was prompting me to do, and I choked? More times than I can even recall.

With this said, this post is really nothing special, just a little piece of my heart that needed some air. Needed some sunlight, so to speak. Even if this is just for my own healing and my own progression, it's out here. These last couple of months have been a doozie to say the least...nothing catastrophic by any means, but just feelings of failure, and just not feeling like I measure up by any sense of the words. No need to worry though, God is showing me, no, more like flooding me with His presence and His love right now. He knows just what I need, and I am trusting Him.

Monday's post:

So, here i go. Sitting at my desk, sipping chai tea from my big handsome anthropology mug (thanks to beka!), and trying my hardest to get focused. Since New Years Day i have had big plans of getting organized, being on time, scheduling and managing my time better, and many many more impossible resolutions. Impossible, at least for me to accomplish in 2 weeks. UGGHHHH!! I want to scream every time I get something wrong. What is the matter with me???

Not a day goes by that I don't wonder..does this get easier?? Sure, some days are better than others, but for the most part, I just feel worn out, worn down and haggard. Try as I do, to not seem that way, the act of "trying" to put my best foot forward exasperates me even more! I'm sure I am not fooling anyone.

Pity Party, Pity Party..i know, i know. Well, today I am changing my attitude! And no, it's not another resolution...more like a resolve to not let myself get so down on me anymore. (did that make sense?)

Our sermon at church Sunday was on "guarding your heart". Like a ton of bricks, the lesson for me, came tumbling down on my head today. Here's what I discovered about my heart that needs some serious guarding NFL defensive linebacker guarding....

Guarding my heart against thoughts of discouragement

Guarding my heart and refusing to believe that I need to be a certain size, a certain hair color, have the perfect marriage, have a house that is never messy... and on top of all of the PERFECT mother, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, and friend .

Guarding my heart against feelings of low self-worth and insecurity.

Guarding my heart against having my worth tied up in how clean my house is, or how well my children are acting that day...

Guarding my heart against feeling like i never get it right.

Guarding my heart against feeling the need to be the perfect mom and the perfect wife, and feeling shattered when I don't measure up.

Who can live up to these expectations?? I will never be close to any of my own expectations of perfection, so today in the car, riding home from picking Presley up from school, I decided. I decided that none of the above matters, eternally anyway. Who will ever remember those things about me?? Won't they remember most what kind of person I was, what good that I was able to do for others while I was here on Earth?Don't I want to be remembered by my love for the Lord and living a life that pleases and honors Him? Will anyone really care if my toilets were spotless or that I had pine sol bubbles floating in them? Is that even reality?

The blame lies on no one but myself. I have at times tried to fit an impossible mold. One that doesn't exist, and never will. Trying to do too much, has sometimes just caused me to throw my hands up and not do anything at all.

God wants this body, this heart, and most of all this soul. And it's His, every ounce of it. I will continue to mess up and pursue what is not best for me from time to time. But, the difference is that from now on, I will not get mad at myself for failing again. I am going to try and laugh, and forgive myself...just as I know that God probably laughs at me (a LOT) and He always forgives me (a LOT). If I can just learn to stay out of my own way, and let Him lead. Now, there's a thought.

" For this God is our God for ever and ever; He will be our guide even to the end. " Psalm 48:14

guarding my heart,


Rebekah Hudgins said...


Thank you for sharing your challenges and airing you thoughts.

I often wonder how you do it all?? And you do it SO well!! As moms I wonder if we aren't all frazzled and near manic on the inside.

When beating myself up, sometimes I think, this isn't from God? How could it be?

I like this idea- thinking of it as guarding my heart. Guarding it from fear of failure and fear of not keeping up, making the grade, fear that God won't provide, etc. "God has not given a spirit of fear." Has He?

You ARE doing great. You are wonder woman!!!

While you guard your heart from discouraging thoughts, I will remember to guard mine.

Thank you for the encouragement!!

Love and more love,

Mary said...

Amen to everything Beka said!!!!
What a theraputic post!! I think it's so smart to open the windows of your heart and let a little Pine Sol in for a fresh start!
You are one amazing woman that I have been blessed to call my dear friend! Thank you for doing it all and working me in like a cherry on top! You always make me feel loved and special beyond words!
Give yourself a B-R-E-A-K, you're worth it!!!