Saturday, September 22, 2012

Desires and such....

So, I don't write on here as much as I used to because I write on SHINE every day. I am so grateful that the Lord has given me a place to write my heart! Never in a million years did I imagine this opportunity.

I remember several years ago longing to do a bible study with my friends. A study that we could all do together. Of course, my friends lived in different places, had different schedules, and it just was not possible to meet to study the Bible.

Desire after desire, longing after longing, my heart ached for something MORE. I remember telling Lem all year last year that something was coming. I felt it in my soul. I felt God had something for us.

Lem would always smile and appease me. Truth be told he probably thought I was going crazy.

I remember pouring through the Bible looking for answers to what this burning in my heart was about. I was desperate to fast forward to where God wanted me to be.

Hope was my theme for last year. Everywhere I turned, everywhere I looked I saw the word Hope.

It was God's way of telling me to keep the Hope in my heart, something was coming, I just had to trust Him.

I did trust Him. However, I was impatient. I wanted to know what this burning and anticipation was.

He was not ready to show me.

Last Fall was one of the hardest times of my life. I fell into a deep dark place. Anxiety, depression, all that fun stuff. I could literally feel the enemy trying to smother me. It felt like he was sitting on my chest.

I didn't understand what was happening. I felt so close to the Lord. I felt so in tune with Him. Why was I feeling this way?

Looking back, I see that God was growing my dependence on Him. I think He wanted to see if I was truly ready for what He had in store for my life. I think in a way, He was burning off a lot of flesh and a lot of "Jill-ish" ways that needed to be done with.

It was so painful. It felt like that season lasted forever.

Until one day, the clouds cleared. The sun came out and I literally felt warmth fill my body.

God had never left me, but He wanted me to trust Him even when I couldn't feel Him. Oh, so hard. So hard.

Now, I find myself putting on His armor daily. Even days when I don't "feel" like I need it. On days when things seem fine, I sit down and go to His Word anyway. I cannot ever take it off. The enemy gets a foothold quickly as soon as we drop our guard. Trust me on this one.

I have a lot more to say, but my daughter is beckoning me to watch her dance. So, I will stop. :)

grateful for His love,


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