Saturday, August 29, 2009

In search of Me....

The best way to describe it is like a big, fat roller coaster zooming around in your stomach, all the while looking for somewhere to screech it's loud brakes and park. That's one way to put into words how I am feeling lately. Both kids are at school, full time. Me, well, I am zooming around looking for a place to land.

Suddenly and abruptly, I feel myself needing to find a niche. A hobby so to speak, but one that can help pay the bills. Hmmm...good luck with that, right? My mind is in constant motion of what in the world I should do now. Am I good at anything?? Not really finding a definitive answer to that one. Really, I am not feeling sorry for myself, just telling the truth. I feel utterly out of sync with the job market, due to spending my last 8 years on diaper duty so to speak. Daycare working has crossed my mind a few times, just because it fits the bill with my training.

Mommyhood is all i know, and really all i care to know. It's just that with today's economy, i really need to expand my horizons a bit. I made a list of things " that I am good at", then i crossed it off and made a list of "things I like to do".
Here is the list of things I like to do:

~being a mommy
~taking care of my household duties
~ hair, makeup and any kind of beauty treatment on the planet

Well, so what now?

In the meantime of" finding myself", I am in the process of being a substitute teacher at the kids schools. It's a start, I guess.

With my love for all things hair, I also spoke with my hair dresser, and asked her about helping out in the salon. She said I could, but probably not until October. Hmm. Okay, so, now i wait.

I know that God has a plan for me, I am just ready for the "reveal". Impatience is knocking at my heart and I'm sincerely trying not to answer.

Meanwhile, you will find me in my usual spot. I am comfortable here, but comfortable is not always a good thing. Ambitious, resourceful, industrious, ardent, and determined are the adjectives I am striving for here in my job pursuit. It's scary, very scary for me to think of doing anything other that what i have been doing for so long. I am happy here. However, I can't help but see the wave of change in the horizon, cresting, and coming ashore.

I found a verse that hits home with my emotions at the moment...

"All you who put your hope in the Lord, be strong and brave", Psalm 31:24

Strong and brave are not knocking at my door, but I am looking through the peep hole anxiously awaiting.

still searching,



Rebecca said...

Being a mommy is a job... and there are still summers that require full time care for kids and holidays and weekends and nights and part of the day when they are at school (volunteering) and sick days. What a gift for your children to be able to do that. With all that, you can barely fit in another job before it is time to leave to pick them up. You have a place, an important one. :)

Anonymous said...

Mother's are usually the last person to talk about a place I am not, or have ever been. Pastor Meyers reminded us this morning that God says everybody has the same worth, just different functions. As Saul was not a Godly King he had a son Jonathan that was told by his father to be the king..(living life through our kids) But Jonathan was a Godly man and when he met David he knew God's purpose was for David to be the King. As we know David was the greatest King there had ever been. Your purpose has always been to continue encouraging others how to be a Godly wife and Mother. He will show his favor when the right door opens up for you whether it is Jonathan's role or David's you will be ready. An admiring Mother who loves you so very much prays a prayer of peace over you and for you to be confident and happy no matter what season you are in.

Angela said...

First, there is nothing you are not good at. Wish YOU believed that. Second, I know exactly how you feel b/c I have been feeling the same way for a while. Like what is my purpose? I will be praying for you. And your blog has shown me that I need to be praying more about my own path. I just want the answer to knock me upside the head. That way I can be sure that God is talking to me. In the mean time, I would encourage you to be thrifty in the home. You will be amazed at how much money you can save your family BECAUSE you stay at home. Keep track of it. It will excite you and motivate you to get creative about saving money. You, my dear, can do anything you put your very intelligent mind to.

All my love & admiration to a wonderful sister & amazing mother,

Laurie from GA said...

I agree with "Rebecca"...being Mommy is a 24/7 job and then some. Being at home, you are there for your kids, for Lem and for your friends! You never know when you'll get that call that one of the kids is sick at school, when one of the little ones or your spouse will come to you with something heavy on their heart or when a friend will call for some reassurance. This economy is a mess and a change may need to be made, but never underestimate the power of being a SAHM! To all of those important in your is priceless!

The Hill Family said...

thank you, my sweet friends and family. :) feeling better already.

big hugs!

Mary said...

I pray that you find something where you can thrive, your passion and purpose - - with a paycheck. How does that sound?
You are gifted, talented and extremely inspirational all the while. I know the perfect niche is just around the corner.
Love you so,

Tracey said...

I agree with Angela... you're great at everything!!! But I do know how you feel, I want to have a skill - something that would help me contribute to our family. Something I am passionate about!!!

But In the mean time.....

I love being available for my girls!! The sub thing works for me b/c I can pick and choose when I work!! Also, the preschool is only 3 half days a week. I wish like crazy these things were my passion b/c I feel like the kids that I'm taking care of whether at school or preschool deserve it! Until I find my nitch I do a good job at faking it!!!