Even the rocks cry out....

My heart is heavy and aching for my friend, Heather. She has cancer, everywhere it seems. It started when her only son was 2 years old. She found a lump in her breast..too late it seems. It spread to her lymph nodes. She went through chemo and has lived with cancer for the past 6 years.

Her liver is now infested with cancer as well as tumors on her lungs. After a brain MRI last week, she discovered that there are 3 spots on her brain as well. Lord, Lord....help me to understand.

Her son is Joseph's age, and they are friends. He is a "mature beyond his years" little boy, due largely to his mother's illness. He has had to be strong, to be her helper, to be her strength for the last few years. He is 8 years old. Heather is a single Mother. Her parents are deceased and her sister has cancer as well.

Too much to fathom, right? It's just beyond comprehensible to me. I know God has a plan in all of this, I just can't help to be baffled and confused. Cancer SUCKS. It took the life of my grandmother at a young age. It threatens all of us. It doesn't discriminate. It SUCKS.

For the past couple of months, I have had this overwhelming feeling of something "happening". Not sure of what was happening, or going to happen, just felt the need to be "ready". I have been searching God, and for His will and guidance diligently, more than ever before. My soul has had a desire for quite a while for something. Something that I do not want to share, for fear that God will halt it from my life. I don't know if this desire if from Him, or from me. Either way, I need affirmation, I need confirmation from Him.

His timing is so much better than mine, and He is so much more patient than me. I want nothing more than His will to be done. I want to be used, that is my cry to him morning after morning. Use me, please, use me. Open my eyes to the hurting, to the needy, to the lonely.

I find myself doubting my ability to be used.."I am not good enough, not righteous enough, not pure enough." Doubts not coming from Him, but from my feeble flesh. I now know that when these thoughts come, I am about to be "used", whether I feel worthy or not. No one is un-usable when it comes to God. Thankfully.

Wow. Just wow. I just took a second and checked my email, I heard it "ding." My Aunt Debbie sent me a verse. I had sent her an email asking for prayer for my friend, Heather, and she simply responded with this verse. My eyes are flooded with tears. This verse was shown to me twice today by God. I had written it in my prayer journal several times over the last couple of months. This morning He led me back to it. He has led me back again, from my Aunt Debbie's email.

Philippians 4:13:

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

Please pray for Heather and for Scotty, as well as for Lem and myself. Pray that He will use us for His glory, for His purpose.

wanting desperately to be used,

Jill