What if...

 I have trust issues. 

With God. 

Not always, but more often than I want to admit. 

I find myself replaying or imaging a scenario in my head. Over and over. 

Even, I find myself preparing myself for the worst possible outcome over something I am praying over. 

I find myself in this place now. 

We have a decision to make as a family. I have prayed and prayed and asked God to open or close doors in this situation. 

My heart and head still have doubts. 

It is almost as if I don't trust the outcome even when left in God's Sovereign Hands. 

Can you relate?

These thoughts have absolutely consumed me the past few weeks. 

What if we get it wrong?

What if the choice ends up a painful one?

What if...

What if...

What if...

 The doubts are never ending. The mind spins. The heart races. The worry consumes. 

Yet, I know God goes before us. 

He has prepared the way for us. 

Why, then, is it so hard to just let it go and trust God?

Why is it so hard not to become cynical and questioning and all things lacking faith?

This feeling, is almost like a mold over my lungs. It suffocates. It depresses onto the heart. 

It is hard to focus on other things. 

I am afraid of heartache. I know the reason for this constant doubting and upheaval of faith. 

 I am self preserving. 

There. I said it out loud. 

Actually, I am self preserving someone I care about as well.

I cannot bear to see them/us have heartache...again. 

I am afraid. 

I am fearful. 

There. I said it again. 

What if God doesn't bring good from this? What if His plan is to mold us and prune us...again??

We have been through heartache and we have been better for it. 

But, can I be just really gut punching honest? I am not real happy with the thought of more heartbreak...even when it brings good fruit.  It is hard. 

It is really hard!

Heartache hurts. It scars. It leaves a hesitancy in your soul that whimpers when the thought of going near something again could possibly bring more pain. 

I think of Jonah. 

We are reading it now in our Bible Reading Plan. 

He knew where God was calling him. 

But, he did not want to go. 

He ran. 

And was even thrown off a boat into the belly of a fish. 

He wanted to avoid the "Plan". God's "Plan". 

I know how Jonah feels. 

Often, I want to run the other way. 

I want to hide in a bush or in the belly of a fish-- until God forgets about His "Plan" for me. 

The problem is, He never forgets. 

He knows what we do not know. He sees what we do not see. 

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8.

 As I type this, a precious friend just sent me this text. I am going to copy and paste it for you to read. It overwhelmed my soul with Peace and I pray it does yours as well...

 Aren’t you so thankful that God sees us and knows our hearts before we even ask? And He lovingly hears and answers us over and over! He’s got all of us. So thankful! Praying we all rest in His peace and trust Him. He’s the best Daddy. He sees the beginning and the end and knows how it all plays out. He is ordering our steps and we can trust that He has us. He’s in control of each and every detail. 

He is the maker of heaven and earth, and He cares about us and loves us so much! Praying each of us feel the warmth of His love and comfort and peace today. God, let us not be anxious or overwhelmed by our circumstances...let us receive the overwhelming peace of Your Spirit in us. Breathe on us today, Holy Spirit. Fresh wind. In Jesus’ name.

 This friend had no idea I was in the middle of writing a SHINE post, but God did. He knew we needed these encouraging words to spur us on. To remind us that HE SEES. HE KNOWS. HE CARES. HE GOES BEFORE US. ALWAYS. 

we can trust Him, 

jill

Finding my way....

 I find myself in a quiet house again. The boy is off at college. The girl begins her sophomore year of high school. 

Looking back, I knew this time was coming...again. I just seem to never be ready. 

When I was a little girl, all I EVER wanted was to be a mother. I had no desires to work outside of the home. 

I would sit on that big yellow school bus watching mothers walk their children out to the bus stop in their house coats and huge mugs of coffee. I wanted that. Desperately. 

Senior year, my high school counselor asked me what I wanted to "do" after high school. I looked down with cheeks blushing and found these words falling out of my mouth,  "Umm, well.....I want to get married and have children."

He told me he had never had anyone tell him this and then thanked me for being honest. 

Those dreams never died. 

God fulfilled them in His time, and I will be grateful until I breathe my last breath. 

So, when I find myself in a quiet home....

I am unsure of how I am to feel. 

He brought me here. I knew this was coming. I know He has plans for me after my children leave the nest...

But, I also feel unequipped for anything else. I feel utterly inadequate at attempting life outside of this house. 

Vulnerable and honest and raw....and true. 

If I let it, sadness will come in waves. I steady myself and swallow hard. 

Every season has purpose. 

I dig my heels in and repeat what I know is Truth. 

He has a plan. He has a plan. He has a plan. 

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. Proverbs 16:9

Motherhood fits me. Like a well worn pair of shoes. I am comfortable here. 

I know I will always be a mother, long after my kids begin new lives with new people. 

But, it is the mundane. The chaos. The crazy. The carpools. The long waits for practice to be over. The constant tripping over big teenage shoes scattered all over the floor. 

This is all I know. And have ever known for a very long time. 

My prayer daily is. "Lord, use me. Use any gift you have given me to serve others. I need to be used up."

He shapes our hearts. He chisels and He smoothes. 

He wants us dependent on Him and Him alone. 

I find myself immersed in the book of Daniel. I think of him often throughout my days. 

He prayed. He prayed. And he prayed. 

Lord, is this what you want from me?

I have time to do this. I can do this. 

Perhaps these quiet seasons that come are for this very purpose. To pause. To pray. 

We can be busy and still pray...

But, something happens in the spirit when our world is quiet. When the rhythm of life slows down for a bit and you can actually hear yourself think for once. 

You hear things you could not hear before. You notice things you never noticed before. 

So, I will be content here. I will steady my heart and I will trust in a plan much bigger than mine. 

He is Good. He is Faithful. He is Sovereign. This, I know.

What season do you find yourself in at the moment?

What if we trust God here. What if we surrender it all to Him. The busy, the quiet, the lonely, the chaos...

Lay it at His feet and ask Him to lead the way. Ask Him to give us Grace and Patience and Mercy as we navigate this unfamiliar path. 

"Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. " Psalm 119:105

still tripping over tennis shoes, 

jill

Here we go....again.....

I sat in the yellow lighted room. Again, I waited.

She took her test, and I sat with anxious thoughts.

What if she fails? 

What if she is not ready?

What if I am not ready?
I prayed silently.

A few minutes later, she emerged.

Big smile on her lips...

"I passed, momma!"

Presley received her learners permit to drive.

I was LITERALLY just here with Joseph. 3 years ago, I sat in this same seat.

Now, baby sister gets a turn.

And, momma's heart prepares.

High school, college, driving...

How do people do it without Jesus?

I will never know.

Please pray for patience as we teach this child how to drive. She is a *little* more stubborn than her big brother. [wink wink]

And, her best friend, who happens to share her birthday, passes too!

Wide open spaces...

Hello, friends and family.

It has been a while.

A long while.

Joseph is in college. A freshman at University of Georgia.

Presley is a freshman in highschool.

Gulp.

I have found myself in this quiet-er place. Deafening quiet at times.

But, I am learning to live here. To enjoy it. To soak it in.

To listen to God.

To be still.

To stop trying to fill the void.

But, to instead be filled with Him.

In searching for a hobby or two...I always come back to this place.

To write.

To pour out.

To wring my heart of the words...the everything.

It is my joy.

It will always be.

Remind me of this often, ok?

My heart has been down over some things. I have struggled with the "why?'

I have struggled with the pity party of "where are you, Lord??"

Then, I sit on my back porch and see the birds playing and singing.

The cool air hitting me in my sullen face.

His reminder to me..."I am here."

He never left me.

As I whine and mope and get caught up with the trivial things of life.....

I look up at the giant sky.

The expanse of His Creation.

And I realize how small I am.

How small these worries and concerns are.

These anxious thoughts and this desire to control outcomes of people...

How silly.

I so often feel like King David felt...

Spewing with faith and courage in one breath...

Then. curled up in a ball crying and complaining in the next breath.

Yet, God remains.

He never leaves.

He never will.

Children will leave.

Friends will leave.

Husbands will leave.

Yet, One thing remains....

Jesus.

There is beauty to behold. All around.

Yet, we close our hands into fists and refuse to partake...in the offering.

The offering brings the gift.

The gift of gratitude and joy.

But, we must unclench our fists...palms up.

And receive.

My dog is begging for a walk this cool morning...

I need it more than he does.

I need to be reminded of the vastness of His Creation....

He is infinitely wiser.

He is infinitely faithful.

I will keep writing to remind myself.....


jill

Joseph goes to prom....

Hi.

So, a big thing happened recently...

JOSEPH WENT TO PROM!!

How can he be a junior? Can someone please fill me in. I cannot even bring myself to scroll my own blog to see pictures and read stories about him. My heart is just too tender right now.

The days are long, but the years are short.

Whoever said that phrase needs to be a gahbillionaire. Because it is so stinking TRUE.

I mean, not only are my kids growing up, I am too. But, who has time to think about that when your KID/MAN is going to PROM.

Okay, so I have pictures to prove it.

I wanted to take a million more. But, it's not cool to be the mom-a-razzi around all of his friends. Apparently. [eye roll]

Joseph and Lucia

Joseph and Presley

Joseph and me

Aren't they cute??

Lem, Joseph and me

The Prom Crew 

How can it be....

This past weekend, Joseph turned 16.

Honestly, I never thought this day could come. The early years were slow as molasses. The good kind of slow. The kind of slow that makes you think it will always be like this and it is just a wonderful little life.

Then, they grow older and taller and bigger.

The older they get the quicker the time goes. Middle school is a flash. High school is a half of a flash. [am I right moms of older kids?]

As I watched my man-child blow out his candles, a lump formed in my throat. Tears started to swell. Memories of his first Winnie the Pooh birthday flooded my heart.

How could this Winnie the Pooh loving baby be 16 years old?

I quickly gathered myself before the last line of Happy Birthday. The last thing I wanted was for this party to be a sob fest about ME.

I turned those tears into prayers of thankfulness to God. Thankful that we still had him to celebrate birthdays. Thankful that he is learning and growing still.

Before the party, I gathered up all of his scrap books and memorabilia. **Note to self: do not do this again right before a big gathering. especially if mascara has already been applied.

Looking at those pages brought me straight back to those moments. Sweet moments. Hard moments. Laughing moments. Crying moments.

As I turned the pages, I saw pictures of me in some of the photos. I am growing older too. It's not just the kids that are growing, it is us parents too.

Growth is good.

I would not trade my 42 years of life under my belt for a younger age. Truly, I would not.

Change is certainly hard, but I believe life gets sweeter along the way. Some would argue with me. I understand.

However, it has been my experience that my heart has softened along the way. I see things from a different view now. I'm not near as hard on myself. Or on others. I let things go a lot quicker. Forgiving has become much easier. Humility is easier to come by too because I have learned that I really am nothing without Jesus.

Growing up is not so bad.

My favorite part of growing up is taking littles under my wing and nurturing them to grow and thrive. I love little people. I love little things.

Getting the chance to take care of, feed, water, and nourish little people is the greatest gift in the world....whether I gave birth to them or not. It really doesn't matter. They all need love and cherishing.

As I kissed my newly turned 16 year old goodnight, I realized something. He would always be mine. No matter his age, no matter his location. He was mine.

I thought about God. How He must love us. How He must cherish us, His children.

No matter where we go, how far we wander...

We belong to Him. We are engraved on the palms of His Hands. [Isaiah 49:16}

As a momma, I get this. Oh, how I see God's love for us so much more clearly.

My children will always be mine. Engraved on my heart. Memories etched in stone in my soul.

Nothing can change this. Not time, not distance..

Wanting them to stay little and turn back time is depriving them and me of growth.

A tree is most nourishing when it is full grown. When its branches spread out wide providing shade for others. When the fruit it bears is ripe and sweet for others to taste and see.

They will be called mighty oaks, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor. Isaiah 61:3

I pray this scripture over my children. Lord, let them be mighty oaks. Deep roots and far reaching branches.

We must water them though. Nurture them. Prepare them for full growth.

That is our job. And, what an honor it is.


still growing,

jill

Oh, I have a blog....

Well, here we are. February 2017.

Whew. I think this blog goes back to 2008?

So, going on 10 years. Crazy.

Since I discovered Instagram, I don't post on here as often as I used to. Instagram is just so darn easy.

I can take a picture and upload it straight there. It documents our life, kind of like this blog used to do. Well, and still does at times.

But, I do miss writing. So much.

So, I will try to write more. When I can.

Joseph is in 10th grade. Gulp.

Presley is in 6th. Double gulp.

Raising teens and tweens is very different than raising littles.

It was easier when the exhaustion was physical and not mental.

My brain never turns off thinking about my kids. Their friends. Their school. Their safety. Their future. Whew.

I try to remember to turn those thoughts into prayer. I am successful sometimes. But, I need to aim for a higher success rate.

Here are some pictures I took recently...captures a little bit of our life.

Lem took Presley to breakfast for Valentine's Day

Then...he took me to dinner. Yippee!

I captured this on the way home from morning carpool.

I love how bright the sun was shining. And how the telephone pole looks like a Cross.

I was praying over a friend who's son was recently diagnosed for the second time

with leukemia. This scene was God filling my heart with HOPE.

This is our Fun Friday picture. They don't like pictures anymore so
I have to put inanimate objects in front of them instead.
Insert a big parental eye roll.

I captured this today. Sunday after church at Scoops.
More ice cream, yes.

Be still, Jill....

As I sit here staring at this blank computer screen, I haphazardly look over to my left. Our Christmas tree is standing there. Still. Warm. Inviting.

It's hard to look away. My eyes just want to engage in the beauty of this tree. No ornaments are even hung yet. But, it doesn't matter. She is glowing with colorful lights. Inviting anyone to come and sit next to her warmth. [yes, I do believe our tree is a "she".]

There is nothing really special about this tree. Average height, average breadth. Yet, it is hard to look away. She's just quite a breathtaking sight.

This verse quickly comes to mind, "Be still and know that I am God."  Psalm 46:10

Yes, still.

There's that word again.

Still .

Rhymes with Jill. You would think I would remember. It also rhymes with my last name, Hill. A double reminder. Still. Jill. Hill. 

[God really does have a sense of humor]

Yet, so often, stillness escapes me.

When worries pile on, my mind is not still.

When sickness is looming over a loved one, my heart refuses to be still.

When finances get crunchy, and anxiety rises, I forget about being still.

When my to-do list seems to never get done, frantic overcomes any sense of stillness.

When my children get on my ever last nerve for the 108th time in one day, my actions are anything but still.

Why is it so hard to be still?

Stillness takes surrender.

A heart surrendered to its proper authority.

Surrender your heart to God, turn to him in prayer John 1:13-15

In this season of hustle and bustle, I want to be still. Really, I do.

I want to soak in the joy of Christmas.

I want to linger longer.

I want to live in this moment with my family and my children.

I want to be like our Christmas tree. Warm. Inviting. Still.

Yet, so often get I can caught up in the wrong things. Worry. Fear. Anxiety. Busy.

I need a reset. How about you?

Instead of doing the usual crazy we are so used to, let's be still.

I hear you laughing.

It's Christmas, how are we to be still??

Stillness begins in the heart.

When our hearts are still and at peace, our bodies will soon follow.

A heart at peace gives life to the body. Proverbs 14:30

When I had my first baby, I would go and sit at Lem's grandmother's house for hours with my newborn swaddle.

Something about her house made everything better. It was still.

Lem's grandmother was never rushed. I never felt like I was a burden to her. I always felt welcome.

She was still.

I think the elderly get it.

They see the other side of this life in a whole new way.

Time is a precious thing to the elderly. They know how short life really is.

What if we slowed time down a bit this season.

What if we created a space for us to be still and be with Jesus. Not because we want to "squeeze" our quiet time in, but because we want to be still with Jesus.

Jesus stills our hearts. He pours peace into our worn-down souls.

Do you know what would happen to my beautiful tree if I didn't water her daily? She would die.

Her green branches would turn brown, and slowly she would wilt.

The same happens to our souls when we don't take the time to be nourished with God's word.

As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God. Psalm 42:1

Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty. John 6:35

Let's be still.

And, just like our Christmas trees, let's invite a weary world to soak up some peace, warmth, and stillness.


being still,

jill hill ;)

Hi, my name is....

Gosh, it has been a while. Hey, y'all!

I have a feeling my voice is echoing and maybe two can hear it.

Oh well.

I am still writing on the SHINE blog from time to time. So, I haven't neglected writing all together.

Sometimes it is hard for me to come on this blog site. I see the pictures of my "little" ones and it brings me to tears. They are not so little anymore. I don't have to heart to change out these pictures, so I guess they will stay. :)

Don't get me wrong, I love this season of life. My kids are a blast. They crack me up like nobody can, except that husband of mine.

It's been a new place mothering tweens and teens. A lot changes in how I mother them. The nurturing doesn't stop, but I tend  to be a little less in their faces. I find myself praying a lot more. Which is crazy because I thought I prayed a lot when they were little. NOTHING compared to the prayers I pray now. Whew.

I pray for their school days. Their peers. Their relationships. Their teachers. Who they sit beside at lunch. All of it.

All of those things are important to them...so they are important to me.

Sometimes I have to pinch myself. I cannot believe I get to be their momma. I sit back and look at them and I am just so amazed that God entrusted their little bodies and hearts to Lem and me.

What was He thinking????????? just kidding. kind of.

Oh y'all. I so want my children to love the Lord with every fiber of their beings. I want that more than anything in this world.

I used to be on a mission to "save the world". Ha! It's hysterical. Really.

My mission has narrowed.

I still love telling people about Jesus, and blogging is an easy way for me to do this.

But, telling my children about Jesus is a whole different thing.

Here's why...It's not just telling them about Jesus...it is showing them about Jesus.

Can I admit? That is the hard part.

I mess up so many times! My SHINE readers never see my mess-ups...but my children do.

They see the real deal me.

I pray that God will help them to not remember certain not-so-great moments. Eek! And, honestly, I trust that He will.

He loves them more than me. They will be fine.

But..

I want them to know that their momma loved Jesus. Even when I messed up. Even when I didn't show Jesus...my heart was beating for Him. Even in the crazy times.

I don't live in guilt or regret...I know that the enemy would love for me to live there.

I live in the great trust and faith that God works all of this life out for our good. Which includes the good, bad, and the ugly.

There is nothing He cannot fix.

Praise Jesus.

I have dreams in my heart. I would love to write a book one day...I would love to talk to more women, one on one, and tell them how God's word and His Love can heal a broken heart.

I have broad dreams.

But, for now, my dreams are narrow.

Zoomed in on the ones under my roof. For such a time as this.

The time goes by so quickly.

Enjoy. Savor. Soak up this time.

Invest everything in your family...everything.

This is contrary to what the world tells us...

The world wants us to save some for the world! Hold on to yourself and don't lose yourself to your family! Hold onto your identity!

I laugh at that because I don't believe in that philosophy.

I say, lose yourself completely.

In fact, go BIG, or go home.

Go BIG in loving your family. Go BIG in investing every single word you speak to them. Deposit encouragement, words of affirmation, and more than anything...deposit God's Word into their hearts.

They are listening. Even when you think they aren't. They are.

The world will be effected by our children. You can bank on that.

What we teach them, what we show them, what we speak to them...

Will be poured back out.

Our prayers we pray over them...

they will come into fruition. He hears the prayers of the momma's.

"He bends down to listen" Psalm 116:2

It is never to late to pour into our children. NEVER.

As long as we have breath, we can pray over them. Teach them. Love them. Encourage them.

God chose YOU as their momma. YOU are the chosen one. You are equipped, capable, and up for the job. God said so.

So, when you mess up....

get back up.

wipe off the dirt.

(my jeans are filthy by the way)

and start all over again.

It is so worth it.


having the time of my life,



jill

The Secret Prayer....

My husband and I share many intimate conversations together. Things that we discuss just between the two of us that are special and treasured. We dream about our future, and the future of our children together. We express concerns and observations of things happening around us. This openness creates a secret and rare vulnerability between us that I cannot put into words.

These talks are sacred between the two of us. Many of the things on my heart, I have never shared with another living soul. They are meant to be kept between the bond, the unity, and the love between the two of us. When we took an oath before God on our wedding day to be submitted to one another, our spirits became one. God sees us as one as well. That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Romans 8:26

Our prayer life is the same. When we approach the Father in prayer, it is a time of deep intimacy and lavish openness of our hearts to His. We express things, even if not spoken in words, they are expressed through the groaning of our spirits.The bible tells us in Romans 8:26, "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans."

Jesus teaches us about the power of prayer in secret. Not just prayer in secret, but the power of giving in secret, and fasting in secret. Take a look at Matthew 6 verses 6-18. Here's an excerpt...

6 But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. 

So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 3 But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, 4 so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

 But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, 18 so that it will not be obvious to others that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. 

When reading God's word, hang onto things you see repeated over and over again. Make note it it, and store it up in your heart. Like a good Father to his children, He reminds us so we will not forget.

In my own personal prayer life, I have seen the power of prayer in secret several times over the last few years. Honestly, I didn't even realize the prayer was in secret at the time. These requests were just so deep and so personal in my spirit, that I kept them between the Father and me.

One experience that I will share from a couple of years ago is that of a prayer over my husband. It was regarding a trip he wanted to go on with some friends. He would be gone several days and something in my spirit just was not at peace about it. I never told him my concerns. Instead, I took my concerns to prayer.

I wasn't sure why I was so hesitant about this trip for him, but I was. I asked God to grant me peace for him to leave if His will was for Lem to go on the trip. I also reached out to three friends and asked them to please pray for an unspoken request for me and my family.

At the time, I wasn't sure of my motives for wanting him to stay home. I wanted to be clear the motives were not selfish, so I spared sharing the details with my praying friends. I just asked them to pray.

About a month later, my husband came to me and told me that the trip he was planning on going on had fallen apart. Nothing was working out for he and his friends to be able to go.

Bewildered, I gasped out loud.

I could not even believe it.

God had answered this prayer, and I knew it was only God that could have made the details come together for the trip to not take place.

I never did tell him that I had prayed about that trip. The things that God had done were so personal and so intimate and so intricate, I wanted to keep it between He and I. Also, I did not want for one second for Lem to think that I had prayed him out of going. It would have put a shadow on future trips he wanted to take with the fellas, and I did not want the enemy getting a foothold there.

I love when Lem is able to get away with his friends to hike and camp. I love it because he loves it. It makes him smile, and it makes him excited! So, not for one second did I want him to think that I had manipulated the situation for him not to be able to go.

Another time that God answered a secret prayer was one I love to share to anyone who will listen. If you have heard it, I apologize in advance.

A few years ago I was running out of my favorite skincare line. I had purchased it for myself  from some money I had received for my birthday months before. I loved it so much and I wanted to order a whole new set! The cost would be...a LOT. Way over our budget. Especially for fancy skincare.

I had rationalized in my head that I deserved to get it. I specifically remember thinking, "This is the ONLY thing I splurge on. I deserve this for myself. Plus, I will save my husband on a face lift because my skin will be firmer due to this awesome skincare line." 

Eek!

I logged on to the website to order this outrageously expensive skincare. I had everything I needed [wanted] in my cart online. I scrambled for my credit card to put it all on there, praying that the bill would not come for at least 30 days. I wasn't ready for a fight with the hubby any time soon.

I began to type in the numbers, and I stopped. Conviction seized me. I couldn't do it. My husband had clearly marked our budget boundaries just that very week, and this was not even close to being in the equation.

Shoot.

I logged off of the site feeling sad and feeling sorry for myself.

Silently, I prayed that God would forgive me for almost stepping into disobedience.

Are you ready for what happened next?

The very next day, a friend called me on the phone.

She asked me if I would like a bunch of skincare that she had purchased a few weeks ago. She said she did not really like it, but she didn't want to go to the expense and the effort to send it all back. Plus, she knew I was a huge fan of that particular skincare.

YES!! I would love to take this off of your hands!

I was beyond elated.

Y'all that afternoon, I went to pick up the skincare she had left in her car for me at her work. It was DOUBLE what I had planned ordering online the day before. DOUBLE. There were even some items that I wanted to get, but knew there was no way I could at that time.

I was absolutely blown away. That big gold bag of skincare was a gift from my Father.

He heard my secret prayer. I didn't even really ask Him, I just asked Him to forgive me for disobedience. Yet, He knows the desires of our hearts, doesn't He?

I share these things to encourage you that the Father loves to lavish us. He loves to be one on one with you in the secret place of prayer. Just the two of you.

In my case, those secret times of prayer have built my faith stronger. I think if I would have asked a lot of people to pray, I would have missed out on a chance in intimacy with my Father. In my flesh, I may have thought that it was certainly not because of my feeble prayers that it was answered. I would have not felt the same intimacy with Him, I believe.

Please don't for one second think that asking for prayer or group praying is not powerful. It is!

Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. Matthew 18:19

However, I do believe that there is a time for intimacy as well. A place and time to pray secretly those deep groans and desires. He will lead us how to pray, and with whom to share our prayers, we just need to ask Him.

I have learned in these secret prayers with my Father, that He is most concerned about the well-being of my spirit. My faith and belief are of the greatest concern to Him. More than a prayer being answered, it is about my oneness with Him. The intimacy that develops when I share my heart, my desires, my confessions of sin, and my whole being with Him. It is the power of what happens during that process that ends up being the greatest miracle. The answer to the prayer is just the icing.

What is it that you need to approach your Heavenly Father about today? Oh, friend, go to Him. Go to a secret place and pour your heart out to Him. Believe that He hears you. Believe that He will answer. 

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Matthew 7:7-8


praying secrets,


jill

Jesus, Publix, and the Man-Child...

The story I am about to share happened two and a half years ago. I shared it with a class I was teaching at the time, but have never written about it until now. In some strange way, I wanted to keep it inside of my soul. It was such a personal and life-altering moment that I didn't want to taint it by setting it free from my heart and mind.

However, today, God reminded me of this story. I needed to hear it again. I needed to remember the lesson it taught me. I hope it will encourage you as well.

It was late Fall of 2013. I had decided to stop writing. I was tired. And burned-out. And kind of done with bible studies altogether to be honest.

I was teaching a SHINE Girls class at the time at my beloved church. I loved my time with those ladies, I loved them dearly. However, I was burned out. In every possible way.

At that time, I was writing almost every day and then leaving my house every Wednesday night to lead the bible study class. Of course, this was in between sports, kids, husband, and all the other stuff I had jammed into my agenda.

My cup had literally runneth over.

One afternoon during this burned out season of my life, I headed to the grocery store. It was a rare moment of alone time so I decided to drive and extra 10 miles to the Publix in the next town.

The drive to Publix was full of prayers, tears, and more tears. I talked to God the whole entire way to Publix. I poured my heart out to Him. I was frustrated. My writing had come to a halt, my desire to lead bible studies had diminished, my "purpose" seemed to have vanished.

The question I cried over and over to God that day was, "What is my purpose, Lord? Why have you taken the desire to write and teach away from me? Have I done something wrong? Did I write, teach, or say something not in line with Your Word? Help me to understand!"

God did not respond. Nothing. Nada. Silence.

I finally pulled into Publix looking like a hot mess. Mascara running down my face. Puffy eyes and a snotty nose. Perfect.

Still having a conversation in my heart with God, I mindlessly grabbed a buggy. When I pulled it out of the stack, I backed right into a big black man.

He was standing right in the middle of the buggy corridor holding a small black comb. People were passing by him and staring. He was mumbling something that I couldn't quite make out.

As I tried to scoot pass him, he said clear as a bell, "W-w-w-w-would you brush my hair?"

I looked behind me.

Shoot.

Nobody was there.

He was talking to me.

I finally got a glimpse of his face.

He looked like a child in the face. The sweetest face you have ever seen sitting atop a massive 6'3 build.

He looked like a man-child.

Without even thinking, I took the comb out of his shaking hands.

He bent down so I could reach his fresh-shaven head.

I combed. And combed. And combed.

Each stroke of the comb he smiled.

I was lost in the moment with this man-child. Combing a perfect stranger's big, black, almost-bald head.

A few minutes passed and a lady came and gently took the comb from my hands.

"Thank you, ma'am. He loves to have his hair combed. He is a special boy with special needs."

I immediately thanked her for giving me the privilege to comb her son's hair.

Seconds later I walked off with my buggy and almost melted right then and there on that Publix floor.

I had just had an encounter with Jesus.

I could feel it all the way to my toes. His Presence was right there in the buggy corridor. Right there in those big brown man-child eyes whose head of hair I had just combed.

Jesus was showing me my purpose. Just as I had asked Him.

It's not about writing a good blog post, or teaching a good bible lesson, or memorizing a scripture a week. NO.

He showed me that my purpose was to love His people. To not just know the words of Christ, but to be the hands and feet of Christ.

To notice those in my very path. Even in the buggy corridor at Publix.

To see what's around me instead of having my head down in my phone, or just wrapped up in my own stinkin' pity party.  

To have my spiritual eyes on at all times waiting for opportunities to comb a head of hair, or speak to a total stranger, or smile at the person next to me.

My purpose had diminished because I had forgotten that it cannot be found in myself. But in Him. In loving others. In serving others.

To be ready and willing at all times to wash the feet, or comb the hair of another.

I was so busy trying to pump myself up with Jesus, that I missed the main thing: Being poured out. For Jesus. For a hurting world. For the man-child who simply wanted his hair combed.

There is a story in the book of Mark that wrecks me when I read it. I want to be like this woman. I don't want to hold it in, store it up, and be bloated with religion...I want to give it all away for Christ's sake. Setting aside my agenda, my pride, my purpose...in order to live for His Purpose.

Be changed by the "Poor Widow's" story:

⁴¹ Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. ⁴² But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a few cents.
⁴³ Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. ⁴⁴ They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on.” Mark 12:41-44

She gave all she had.

She walked away with nothing, but left with everything.

When I get confused on what my purpose is, I remember this day. The day that Jesus stopped me in my tracks to comb a man-child's head.

Are you confused about your purpose? Look around you. Opportunities abound. Open your eyes, and see. Then give it away. Like the poor widow. Holding nothing back.


finding purpose,



jill

Goodbye School Year....

Well, it is the end of another school year. Goodbye 5th grade and goodbye 9th grade. Here are a few memories from Presley's award night. I didn't have any pictures from Joseph's award night, because we were not sitting close enough to get good pics. And, well, he is in high school and it is kind of embarrassing to him to snap pictures like the crazy mad woman that I am.

Maybe he won't care next year.

 

This year has FLOWN by. Probably because we moved in December, and life got a lot crazy.

 

 

This has been a year of many changes.

 

 

• After 3 1/2 years, Danny went back to live with his parents.
• Joseph started high school.
• We MOVED.

 

Whew. No more changes for a while, ok?

 

 

One thing is for sure...we are ready for SUMMER!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Twinsies.

These kids. I love them all.

I love this face.

A fun night!!

Cheering on our girl!

Proud of little sis.

Music Award, A/B honor roll, and Khan Academy award!



True Presley form.

Ce-le-brate good times, come on...

Whew. Is it May, or is it May?

I really think May is busier than December. For those of us with kids in school, it can become quite hectic.

So, let's lighten the mood, shall we?

This week in my county, it is our last week of school. Since my children started school over 10 years ago (whoa!), this has been my favorite week of the whole year.

Over the years we have celebrated this week in many fun ways. Most of these ideas are from other mother's that I saw do them first hand, or ideas the kids and I thought up together. These are not very pinterest-y, but they are a whole lot of fun.

Here are some of the things we do, or have done over the years to CELEBRATE this week:

Make a totally weird and different lunch than usual. Put random snacks in their lunch boxes instead of the ol' sandwich and chips thing.

Put food coloring in their bottled water--their favorite color. This may not be cool for "big" kids, so use discretion. ;)

Leave them a note each day this week somewhere in their book bag, folder, or lunch box.

Eat out one night, or three. You can make it really cheap. Look for cheap kids meals.

Cook their favorite breakfast one day this week. Let them pick the menu.

Same for dinner. Let each kid pick dinner and let them help you make it. OR, let them make it themselves.  Warning: This can get crazy. And a tad messy.

On the last day of school, surprise them with a Summer bucket. You can get a beach pail from the dollar store and put little things in the bucket that your kids would like. Crayons, markers, sidewalk chalk, bubble bath, candy, etc. Big kids like this too! Just use big kid items instead. ;)

Make a Summer bucket list this week with your family. Again, get a bucket from dollar store, and get clothes pins. Write activities to do this Summer in marker on the clothes pin, and pin it to the rim of the bucket. When you do the activity, throw the clothes pin in the bucket! Kids love this. Any age!

Motherhood can be so serious at times. My hope is that my children will remember that life is to be celebrated! Every day is a chance to celebrate. To be thankful. To choose JOY.

Joy is contagious. It affects all who enter into its presence.

A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22

Don't you love that?

How do you celebrate?



looking for clothes pins,

jill

Don't give up little Momma....

Every Sunday I teach a group of 7th and 8th grade girls at our church. It's the hardest thing I have ever done. By far. Not because they are hard, but because there is a pretty large generational gap between us. My comfort zone is women closer to my age, or older.

I often wonder if these precious girls are "getting" what I am trying to teach them. These girls are very smart, and very wise. However, I still feel inadequate at times when trying to relate a concept to them.

However, I am reassured by God's Word being the foundation of our conversations. His Word is transcending and relatable to all ages and generations. So, even if I blow it in my teaching, they will get it when the Word is spoken.

"Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God" Romans 10:17

As parents, I think we feel this way with our children at times. At least I do.

When I speak to my 14 year old son, his response is not always what I want to hear.

I often wonder if he thinks I am just talking to hear myself talk. He's a really good kid. He tries to listen. He really does. But half the time I think he's not really comprehending because his thoughts are far away. In teenage boy land.

I have a choice. I can let this make me angry and yell at him for not listening.

Or, I can speak in my normal tone and convey what I am trying to say as calmly as possible.

Often I have raised my voice. However, I am beginning to see that I really don't have to yell.

He is listening. Whether he realizes it or not.

Our brains are pretty powerful. They can soak up information that we don't even realize they are soaking up.

When my husband leaves the TV on at night, I will have dreams about the shows he is watching. I am not even cognizant or awake, but my brain is listening and taking it in.

Crazy, right?

So, why am I telling you all of this.

Because, I want us to not give up as parents.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 4:9

I want us to keep talking to our kids. Keep teaching them. Keep praising them more than we criticize them. Keep pouring God's word into them.

They are listening.

⁶ These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. ⁷ Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Deuteronomy 6:4-7

Tape scripture under their beds. Around their bathroom mirror. Hide them in their book bags. Hide them in their diaper bags. Yes, even there.

Even if your children are very young, God's word will translate to the language their little hearts can understand. Just keep speaking it to them.

His Word is alive. It will penetrate into their hearts. Be patient and trust in Him to work.

Do not lose heart, whatever you do. Every single prayer prayed on behalf of our children is a seed planted for a harvest one day. His Word will never return void.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 2 Corinthians 4:16

I love this scripture. No matter what the "outside" shows in the lives of your children, it's the inside that God is renewing. Trust Him to do this!

Believe He will.

Stake your claim on the promises found in His Word and pray it over your children.

Ask God to "hide His word in your child's heart". Psalm 119:11

Never stop speaking God's word over them. No matter how old they are, speak it. Speak it daily.

The more we repetitively hear something, the more we believe it to be true.

"I will never stop praising the Lord, His praise will always be on my lips." Psalm 34:1

Be a broken record of praise over your children. Let them know you mean it when you say that they are "fearfully and wonderfully" made. Psalm 139:14

Be your child's biggest fan. Not their worst critic. Let them feel safe with you. Not threatened by your judgement and critical spirit towards them.

We will never as parents always get it right. But, we can love the living daylights out of our children even when we stumble and bumble our way about in this parenting world. A humble heart before the Lord goes a long, long way.

He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble his way. Psalm 25:9
When we ask for God to lead us, He will.

"in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight"  Proverbs 3:6

I came across the following scripture recently when I was at a loss with one of my children. I needed wisdom and I just wasn't sure what the right thing to do was.

He tends his flock like a shepherd:  He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young. Isaiah 40:11

And all the momma's said AMEN.


lead us Lord,

jill

Laundry and Jesus....

I have to share with you an experience that I had yesterday at the Laundromat. Experience is the word I use because when I was telling the story to my fourteen year old son, he said, "Mom, that's not really a story, but an experience."

Don't you love being corrected by your child? So much fun.

First, let me start by saying that we finally [finally!] got moved into our house. Whew. This has been a journey. A long one.

Anyway, remember how I told you about my over-sized laundry room? If you forgot, see post here.

It's bigger than my kitchen. I am not kidding. My kitchen is teeny tiny and this laundry room is ridiculous. Go figure.

As we began to settle in a bit last week, our washing machine decided she was ready to retire. RETIRE. After only about 4 good years of service. FOUR.

Who retires after four years? Well, she does I guess.

The repairman came to try to work on her, but she was going to be more costly to repair than replace. So, we have a new one on the way.

With that said, I have been without a washer for over a week. Make that going on two weeks. Yep.

I'm all about a laundry strike, don't get me wrong. But, things start to get smelly after a while. Know what I mean?

So, yesterday, instead of invading my sweet friend Kim's home, again, to do my laundry, I visited the local Laundromat, The Wash Rock.  Catchy name, right?

I walk in with a not-so-great attitude and my four loads of laundry.

I felt like I was in a foreign land. I had no idea what to do. Which machine? There are so many!

As I stand there with my laundry spilling out of my baskets, I feel people staring. Ugh. My new organic deodorant apparently is not working, because I am sweating like an elephant under circus lights.

Finally, I meekly asked a lady how this works and which machine to use.

She gladly showed me the ropes. I could have hugged her right then and there. Except I was holding smelly laundry and my pits were sweating profusely.

I started my loads, and began to sit down to make my grocery list, catch up on emails, and write in my planner.

However, before I could even sit down, my first load was done. Whew. That was fast. A little too fast. I was kind of looking forward to some "down time".

It all went by so quickly! I now know why people use Laundromats. They are fast! You can also do many loads at one time. [Just be prepared to have a small fortune in quarters. Good grief.]

As I was folding up my last load, I noticed a young man. He looked very thin. And very frail.

He was no more than 25 years old.

He was having trouble getting his clothes out of the washer. He had used an older washer I guess to save money, but it left the clothes soaking wet. Almost like it had not used a spin cycle at all to drain the water.

As he took the clothes out of the washer, water was dripping everywhere. I could tell he was embarrassed. Their were a lot of people around. A puddle was forming at his feet.

More than anything, I wanted to throw my laundry down and go and help him. I wanted to ask him if he had eaten, or if he needed clothes, or money for the dryer. I tried to think of a million scenarios to try to talk to him and offer to help. I prayed and asked God, "what can I do??"

The scripture that the Lord laid on my heart was this, "Be still."

I wanted so badly to give him something. To help in some way. Yet, I knew in my heart that wasn't my purpose. God wanted me to see this man. God wanted me to see, because often I don't see.

Often, I am at home in my own comfy house, using my own washing machine, and my own dryer.

Often, I have my face in my phone instead of noticing those around me.

Often, I am too busy thinking of my "wants" instead of the basic needs of others.

God wasn't trying to condemn me. No.

God was using conviction to cleanse my heart. To not just cleanse it, but to break it wide open.

To pieces.

I will never shake this experience. This man.

I don't know his name, but God does.

God tells us in Isaiah..."See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands". Isaiah 49:16

Since seeing this man, I have prayed for him fervently. Not because I think he desperately needs my prayers, but because I desperately need to remember him.

I need to remember this raw heart feeling.

Therefore, I will always remind you about these things--even though you already know them and are standing firm in the truth you have been taught. 2 Peter 1:12

It's not about a broken washing machine, but about a broken heart. A heart that notices others. A heart that decides to see instead of building a wall so tall around it that the view is blocked.

⁴⁰ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ Matthew 25:40

We are surrounded by the least of these. Surrounded.

However, before we can "do", we must "see".

Our eyes have to be open, our hearts prepared for the mission he has for us each day.

We must be in alignment with the Lord each and every moment.

From the moment our eyes open, we need to ask Him to speak. To show. To teach. To convict.

Being in the will of God will always be about noticing and acting on the needs of others. Always.

We need to look no further than Jesus for this example. Nothing He did was for Himself. Jesus spent all of His days seeing, hearing, teaching, ministering, feeding, and loving others.

Not a minute was wasted.

Let's follow Jesus' example.

Starting today, let's open our eyes. Open our hearts to a world that needs the Love and Hope of Christ.

Who will you see today?


eyes wide open,


jill

Memory Lane....

The LORD shall increase you more and more, you and your children. Psalm 115:14

Every once in a while, I go through my pictures. It always stops me in my tracks. I cannot believe how fast time goes by.

It makes me realize a few things...

Life is precious.
Life is fleeting.
Children grow.
Moments pass. Good ones and bad ones.
Love can be captured in a picture.
I have so much to be thankful for.
God is good.

 

Here are a few I came across...