I have trust issues.
Not always, but more often than I want to admit.
I find myself replaying or imaging a scenario in my head. Over and over.
Even, I find myself preparing myself for the worst possible outcome over something I am praying over.
I find myself in this place now.
We have a decision to make as a family. I have prayed and prayed and asked God to open or close doors in this situation.
My heart and head still have doubts.
It is almost as if I don't trust the outcome even when left in God's Sovereign Hands.
Can you relate?
These thoughts have absolutely consumed me the past few weeks.
What if we get it wrong?
What if the choice ends up a painful one?
The doubts are never ending. The mind spins. The heart races. The worry consumes.
Yet, I know God goes before us.
He has prepared the way for us.
Why, then, is it so hard to just let it go and trust God?
Why is it so hard not to become cynical and questioning and all things lacking faith?
This feeling, is almost like a mold over my lungs. It suffocates. It depresses onto the heart.
It is hard to focus on other things.
I am afraid of heartache. I know the reason for this constant doubting and upheaval of faith.
I am self preserving.
There. I said it out loud.
Actually, I am self preserving someone I care about as well.
I cannot bear to see them/us have heartache...again.
I am afraid.
I am fearful.
There. I said it again.
What if God doesn't bring good from this? What if His plan is to mold us and prune us...again??
We have been through heartache and we have been better for it.
But, can I be just really gut punching honest? I am not real happy with the thought of more heartbreak...even when it brings good fruit. It is hard.
It is really hard!
Heartache hurts. It scars. It leaves a hesitancy in your soul that whimpers when the thought of going near something again could possibly bring more pain.
I think of Jonah.
We are reading it now in our Bible Reading Plan.
He knew where God was calling him.
But, he did not want to go.
And was even thrown off a boat into the belly of a fish.
He wanted to avoid the "Plan". God's "Plan".
I know how Jonah feels.
Often, I want to run the other way.
I want to hide in a bush or in the belly of a fish-- until God forgets about His "Plan" for me.
The problem is, He never forgets.
He knows what we do not know. He sees what we do not see.
"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8.
As I type this, a precious friend just sent me this text. I am going to copy and paste it for you to read. It overwhelmed my soul with Peace and I pray it does yours as well...
Aren’t you so thankful that God sees us and knows our hearts before we even ask? And He lovingly hears and answers us over and over! He’s got all of us. So thankful! Praying we all rest in His peace and trust Him. He’s the best Daddy. He sees the beginning and the end and knows how it all plays out. He is ordering our steps and we can trust that He has us. He’s in control of each and every detail.
He is the maker of heaven and earth, and He cares about us and loves us so much! Praying each of us feel the warmth of His love and comfort and peace today. God, let us not be anxious or overwhelmed by our circumstances...let us receive the overwhelming peace of Your Spirit in us. Breathe on us today, Holy Spirit. Fresh wind. In Jesus’ name.
This friend had no idea I was in the middle of writing a SHINE post, but God did. He knew we needed these encouraging words to spur us on. To remind us that HE SEES. HE KNOWS. HE CARES. HE GOES BEFORE US. ALWAYS.
we can trust Him,